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2001-04-30 - 10:27 p.m. I saw my picture on swerdloff's site today. It's so odd to see yourself when you are caught candidly by camera…I don’t like it. I am happy with my life, I am so happy with myself, but I’m not 100% there yet. I can’t just look at myself candidly and be proud of it. It’s funny…while I was at his house, watching him try on clothes, under our scrutiny, I wasn’t comfortable. Was it because I wasn’t made up? Was it because I was sweaty and smelly? I made a crack – “You can never have too many long sleeve white tee-shirts”…and I think Ken made fun of me. And he had all right to…but I couldn’t take it. This makes me realize why my mom wished I had brothers and sisters growing up so I wouldn’t take teasing so seriously. I guess I’m not happy with myself completely, and that’s okay. Ah well. Sitting here watching a very scary show on Discovery Channel…entitled “Cosmetic Surgery Gone Wrong”. These people have had bad experiences with plastic surgery. We are so obsessed with our appearances, and these people have entrusted their appearances with quacks, and now appear on a documentary saying “Suffering brings you closer to God, and I’ve come closer to God”. PLEASE. That is ridiculous. You were suffering when you were unhappy with your appearance. THAT’S when you should do the soul-searching, when you were questioning why you are feeling unattractive. (I’m speaking to myself)
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